Friends.

I haven't wrote in this blog for ages. I really don't know why. I guess cause I have nothing interesting to say. But, I have something to say now. Really, just something I've been thinking of for a long time and feeling.

Friends. Sometimes I wonder if having them is even worth it.

I'm not saying that I've always been the best of friend, and that I've never done wrong. Believe me, I know just how bad of a friend I have been before and I've done things that I'm ashamed of. One thing I can say for myself is that I always apologize for any hurt that I may have caused, if it be knowingly or unknowingly.

It seems to me like life would be so much easier, and so much more enjoyable if I didn't take the time to have these 'friends'. It seems people automatically are willing to choose to  believe bad things about me, based on what other people say, never speaking to me.

I find myself very hesitant to become close to people, especially people who claim to be Christian. Sadly, I often find more comfort and compassion from the unsaved. Honestly, sometimes I wish that I didn't care about anyone. That my heart wouldn't instantly open up and take people in. That I wouldn't love deeply. That I wouldn't get close to anyone.

I'm tired of my heart and spirit hurting. I need freedom. I want to strive to have a heart like Jesus'. Jesus who said -

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for a friend."

Deep down I don't want to care less, and I still want to have close and meaningful relationships, I want to be willing to "lay down my life for a friend", but after crying so many tears and bearing so many hurts, it gets hard to remember that. I know friends are needed in life, and I have a very few true friends and for them I am so grateful.

This is in not a cry for attention. All this is, is me attempting to let things out, let go of things, maybe moving towards healing.